![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Title: __________________
Series: none
Rating: R
Word Count: 2544
Overall Summary: A ballerina has a stalker. A philosopher, a math prodigy, and a Marine object.
Scene Specific Summary: Turdfucker squealches forth.
Notes: First scene of an as-yet unfinished, untitled play. Rating for extensive profanity.
Act I
Scene 1
We open in the apartment. It has a central living area/kitchen, with an island counter back and to the left. The living area has a couch, a coffee table, and a large chair. The main door and entry point is at the back, next to the kitchen. At right is a small hall leading to the rest of the apartment. Two women live here: EVETTE, a grad student of the kind whose intelligence was praised at family reunions after everyone was done telling her cousin how pretty she was; and LILY, who will begin being taken seriously as a ballerina as soon as everyone gets done telling her how pretty she is. Both are reasonably tidy but they've been living here and known each other long enough to have begun developing and cross-breeding clutter. It's early evening, a Thursday in late autumn in New York, Park Slope or thereabouts. Offstage, a shower is running. EVETTE enters from outside, removes her bag and cold weather gear, agitated. She beings moving around, putting things to rights, increasingly agitated, muttering incoherently. The shower goes off as she reaches a crescendo.
EVETTE
To hell with dualism, anyway! Motherfucker's not thinking anything, anymore.
LILY enters, in jeans and her bra, drying her hair.
EVETTE
Lily, I'm a materialist, I've decided. Rene Descartes can suck my metaphorical cock.
LILY
We've discussed this, Evette. You can't be an materialist.
EVETTE
Who says?
LILY
Your dissertation.
EVETTE
Well, fuck my dissertation, too.
LILY bends over, winds up her hair in her towel.
LILY
Love to. Lotion me?
EVETTE
Sure. Where is it?
LILY
Kitchen counter, by the blender. That's where we were yesterday.
EVETTE
Got it.
EVETTE goes to her, rubs lotion into her back and shoulders as they talk. When she's done, she steps back and LILY frees her hair.
LILY
Can I assume today didn't go well?
EVETTE
Oh, today went just dandy. I spent three hours staring down the Meditations on the floor outside Dr. Reyes' office before he deigned to show his ugly face in which time I succeeded only in concluding that I, personally, am the personification of depression and despair, what with my essence being my thought and my thought having landed me on twenty-four hour suicide watch twice before I was even eligible to drive.
LILY
Evette.
EVETTE
I speak only the truth.
LILY
For the love of God.
EVETTE
You know, that's exactly what Dr. Reyes said. And then he told me to take my histrionic-ridden, drama-whoring ass to the theater department where I clearly belong before he kicked it there for me. So I called him an embittered old shitstain, festering in the knowledge Tom Stoppard has done more for public understanding of existential philosophy than all the words ever written by him or any of his mentors.
LILY
You know, you could just withdraw from the program. You don't have to goad your him into killing you with his bare hands.
EVETTE
Damn. Should've told me that months ago.
LILY
Uh-huh. So did you actually get any work done or have you spent all of today screeching profanity back and forth with your seventy-five-year-old thesis adviser?
EVETTE
The two aren't mutually exclusive, you know. I was up a tree over the whole essentialist thing, again - like, the implications of depression or whatever on what the soul essentially is - and he knocked me out of it.
LILY
You concluded your were a black hole, again.
EVETTE
Didn't I say that?
LILY
Did you write a proof this time?
EVETTE
Was thinking about it when he showed up.
LILY
Jesus fuck, Evette. Can you at least try to restrict your descents into existential despair to the hours I'm able to get to my phone?
EVETTE
Talk to Dr. Reyes. If he'd keep to his fucking office hours -
A lone ring.
LILY
Text message. Here, take this, and can you go grab me a shirt?
EVETTE takes her towel.
EVETTE
Your wish.
She exits, returning with what is obviously one of her own shirts - it's black, too loose for LILY, and probably came from a website catering to nerds. LILY checks her phone, stowed in the pocket of a coat hanging on the back of the door. She is not best pleased.
EVETTE
What?
LILY
What?
EVETTE
What is it?
LILY
What's what?
EVETTE
What's that look?
LILY
I wasn't aware I had a look.
EVETTE
You may be stronger than me but I know your weak spots.
LILY
Try it. No, sorry, Evette. Just this - fucking message.
EVETTE
What? Who's it from?
LILY
Unknown number.
By this time, LILY has the shirt on, and it back to glaring at the phone. EVETTE has picked up a dirty mug from somewhere and is taking it to the sink.
LILY
Think it's Brian.
The mug hits a wall at high velocity. It shatters.
EVETTE
Fuck!
LILY
Uh-huh.
EVETTE goes and begins to clear up the shards.
EVETTE
Stay there. You don't have shoes on.
LILY
You all right?
EVETTE
I'm fine. What does turdfucker have to say for himself?
LILY
It just says 'been thinking of you'. Letter 'u', no 'g' on 'thinking'. So I guess it's 'thinkin'.
EVETTE
Characteristic both of him and of a shamefully high percentage of those conversant in the medium. Why do you think it's him?
LILY
It came from nowhere, it has my hometown's area code, the typing, as you said, is like him, and it's fucking creepy.
EVETTE
Granted.
LILY
I've got a feeling.
EVETTE
Feelings are good. I recommend feelings. I have faith in feelings. Working hypothesis: Turdfucker has somehow skeezed himself into possession of your phone number and is even as we speak working his pathetic skunk-dropping of a brain to exhaustion trying to balance respiration and thinking up new and exciting ways of being a disgusting pain in the ass. What do we do?
LILY
We?
EVETTE
Did I stutter?
LILY
Evette.
EVETTE
Lily.
LILY
You don't -
EVETTE
Lily. At the University, the news that I share quarters with blonde, ballet-dancing, ex-homecoming queen has been greeted, with rare exceptions, by dreadful jokes or implications demeaning your intelligence. I have defended against all of them, even when they were really funny. Please don't disappoint me now.
LILY
Thanks.
EVETTE
Never mention it again. What do we do?
LILY
Now. Now, you get on line and see if this number is registered to anybody. He got a pay-as-you-go, last time, but -
EVETTE
But it's a chance. Toss me your phone.
EVETTE settles in with her laptop. Footsteps on the stairs, past their door, and on up. Above, a door scrapes across the floor as it opens and closes.
EVETTE
Casca's in. Wanna sic her on him?
LILY
Tempting. Let's not bother her yet. Where's your phone?
EVETTE
Secret pocket. You calling your brother?
The secret pocket is sewed into the lining of her hoodie, which she is still wearing. LILY, realizing this, approaches and slides her hand down EVETTE's shirt to retrieve it.
LILY
My mom. Dante's coming by later, anyway.
EVETTE
He is?
LILY
He's bringing pizza.
EVETTE
I'll forgive the lack of warning this once.
LILY has dialed and now has the phone to her ear.
LILY
You're all heart. Hey, Mom. No, Evette. She was being a jerk about something. You know, her mother would believe it readily. Yeah, I'm on her phone, she's using mine for something. That's what I wanted to ask about, actually. I got a weird message, today. It's probably nothing but we were wondering if tur - If Brian
(a cracking noise interrupts EVETTE's typing)
had been sniffing around. You okay, Evette?
EVETTE
Fine. One of the keys got stuck for a second.
LILY
All right. Mom? All right. Anyone know where? Okay, thanks. Keep this to yourself, okay? I don't want to start anything that doesn't need starting. We might be overreacting. We will. It would be stupid to tell you not to worry, wouldn't it? Shut up, Evette!
EVETTE
Didn't say nothin'.
LILY
I will. I promise. We will. Love you, too. Bye.
EVETTE
Well?
LILY
How is it possible my mother likes you better than me?
EVETTE
At least it's a matter of degree with yours. Mine thinks meeting your rainbow-shitting ass is the only worthwhile thing I've ever done.
LILY
Your tone implies it wasn't.
EVETTE
I made a pretty sweet volcano for my third grade science fair. Number's no good, by the way.
LILY
Figures.
EVETTE
What'd your mom say?
LILY
Aside from 'be careful', 'tell Evette to be careful', and 'both of you be careful'?
EVETTE
Sound advice all around. Why do I need to be careful?
LILY
You did kick him in the balls.
EVETTE
No, see? That's the only worthwhile thing I've ever done.
LILY
Apparently he left town six weeks ago. Somebody said he got a job laying carpet in Nashville.
EVETTE
Nashville. Nashville is good. I can work with Nashville. Nashville is far away. Not far enough, but it's a start.
LILY
Assuming he's actually there.
EVETTE
Assuming he's actually there. Which we don't.
LILY
Which we don't.
EVETTE
That's what I figured. What else?
LILY
He got in a fight with my cousin before he left.
EVETTE
Big fight?
LILY
Blood on the lines. They were fishing.
EVETTE
Did your cousin say something bad about his pick-up truck?
LILY
Don't know. Mom didn't say. She would have, if she knew, so it hasn't gotten around.
EVETTE
So an unhinged stalker who recently sustained bodily harm at the hands of someone sharing in your bloodline is wandering loose across the nation. Fantastic. It's like Chanakuh, all the nights at once. Is your restraining order still in effect?
LILY
For another year and a half. Tomorrow I'll - Fuck, no, I can't tomorrow.
EVETTE
What?
LILY
I was going to say, I'll go to the courthouse and see about getting it extended to this state. But I can't.
EVETTE
Of course you can't. Why didn't you do that when you got here?
LILY
I meant to. But I hadn't heard from him in over a year, so -
EVETTE
Hey, it's okay. I was just wondering. You're usually on top of this shit.
LILY
Restraining order shit?
EVETTE
Courthouse shit. Or, errand-running shit, I guess. When was the last time you let your driver's license expire?
LILY
I use my driver's license for something other than alcohol and cigarettes.
(pointedly)
Evette.
EVETTE
I don't do it around you! The apartment is smoke free! Your precious ballet body remains untainted!
LILY
It's not my body I'm concerned about.
EVETTE
Well, it should be. It's your violent stalker who may have resurfaced.
A knock.
LILY
Oh, God!
EVETTE
I'll get it.
LILY
It's just Dante.
EVETTE answers the door. It's DANTE, with pizza. He is of a different race than Lily, obviously so. He rides a motorcycle and does not look like a recent top twenty-five MIT graduate. For starters, he's nineteen.
EVETTE
Dante. Madame, your brother.
DANTE
Hey, Evette. What's wrong?
EVETTE
Descartes.
EVETTE takes the pizza and puts it on the kitchen counter.
DANTE
Well, yes. Lily?
LILY
Hey. What's up?
DANTE
Nothing. Are you okay?
LILY
Fine.
DANTE
Evette?
EVETTE
Turdfucker's back.
DANTE has just picked up a glass. It shatters in his grip; his hand bleeds.
DANTE
Shit!
LILY
Shit, Dante.
DANTE
A little warning? Shit, Lily, I can't kill somebody like this.
EVETTE
Back away, shoeless person. Get the first aid kit. Dante, sit. I'll get the glass. It's my job today.
LILY exits right. EVETTE begins cleaning up the glass. When that's done, she makes for the pizza.
DANTE
You, too?
EVETTE
Had the sense to throw mine.
DANTE
Well. Okay. What'd he do?
EVETTE
Are you cool?
DANTE
Are you?
EVETTE
Point. He texted her.
DANTE
Where the fuck did he get her phone number?
EVETTE
I didn't give it to him, settle the fuck down.
DANTE
Settle?
LILY reenters, begins removing glass, sterilizing, bandaging.
LILY
My number is private, unlisted, secure as it gets outside major corporations and North Korea.
DANTE
Not secure enough. Dammit. I should have killed him when I had the chance.
LILY
Dante. We've discussed this. I like you not in jail.
DANTE
I could have gotten away with it.
EVETTE
And you were, what, fifteen? Keep it to the juvenile court, make a protecting-my-big-sister-look-how-fucking-angelic-I-am defense, flutter your eyelashes a little, you'd have been golden.
DANTE
That's what I said.
EVETTE
Smart boy. Why didn't you kill him?
LILY
Is this really important, right now?
EVETTE
No, just cathardic. Would you prefer I panic? Because I can do panic. I can so do panic.
LILY
That's all right.
EVETTE
Your loss.
DANTE
Where's the message?
LILY
My phone.
EVETTE
Want to see it?
DANTE
Please.
EVETTE retrieves it, hands it over to DANTE, who operates it with his nondominant hand.
DANTE
'Been thinking of you'. With all the care and attention to detail that makes kindergarten teachers the world over swell up with unsurpassed pride in our generation.
LILY
You're as bad as her.
EVETTE
I cussed more.
DANTE
Our motherfucking generation?
EVETTE
Better. But you still look like a damned choir boy.
LILY
I'm sensing a contradiction.
EVETTE
I'm not.
DANTE
Unknown number. You sure this was him?
LILY
Just got it. We're not sure of anything.
DANTE
What have you done?
LILY
Aside from break two cups and Evette's keyboard? Called Mom.
DANTE
Mom is good.
LILY
I think so.
DANTE
What did she say?
LILY
Scuttlebutt says he left town for Nashville six weeks ago.
EVETTE
Do people in whatever godforsaken hellhole you people hail from actually use words like 'scuttlebutt'? Because nobody else does.
LILY
Shut up, Evette.
EVETTE
You wound me.
LILY
Not yet.
DANTE
Don't suppose she knows anything more specific.
LILY
Nope. Just that and that B - Turdfucker got in a fight with Cousin Albie up Big Bell Creek, week before he left.
EVETTE
Big Bell Creek.
DANTE
Only one big enough to fish in. Any idea what it was about?
LILY
Not a one.
EVETTE
I've got one.
LILY
Evette.
EVETTE
Shutting.
(as in, 'shutting up')
She goes back to her laptop.
EVETTE
Googling. What putrid sewer of the gene pool did Turdfucker squealch forth from?
DANTE
What?
LILY
Wainwright. W-A-I-N-W-R-I-G-H-T.
EVETTE
Thank you. Does it's first name debase 'i' or 'y'?
LILY
I.
EVETTE
Thank you. Just one more thing. Did his horse-fucking, inbred, cuntstain trollop of a mother choose to bring secondary shame on any once proud names?
DANTE
You're really enjoying yourself, aren't you?
LILY
That is his middle name. His first name is McDermott.
DANTE
Really?
EVETTE
Really?
LILY
His horse-fucking, cuntstain, trollop of a mother showed me his birth certificate.
EVETTE
You forgot inbred.
LILY
My apologies. You need me to spell that?
EVETTE
Just a second. I'm just visualizing it. Man, it's perfect.
DANTE
Almost perfect.
EVETTE
You're right. It's not on a tombstone.
LILY
Yet. Evette?
EVETTE
Yeah, yeah. All right, hit me. Pronounced 'Turdfucker', spelled how?
As LILY spells it, lights go down.
Series: none
Rating: R
Word Count: 2544
Overall Summary: A ballerina has a stalker. A philosopher, a math prodigy, and a Marine object.
Scene Specific Summary: Turdfucker squealches forth.
Notes: First scene of an as-yet unfinished, untitled play. Rating for extensive profanity.
Act I
Scene 1
We open in the apartment. It has a central living area/kitchen, with an island counter back and to the left. The living area has a couch, a coffee table, and a large chair. The main door and entry point is at the back, next to the kitchen. At right is a small hall leading to the rest of the apartment. Two women live here: EVETTE, a grad student of the kind whose intelligence was praised at family reunions after everyone was done telling her cousin how pretty she was; and LILY, who will begin being taken seriously as a ballerina as soon as everyone gets done telling her how pretty she is. Both are reasonably tidy but they've been living here and known each other long enough to have begun developing and cross-breeding clutter. It's early evening, a Thursday in late autumn in New York, Park Slope or thereabouts. Offstage, a shower is running. EVETTE enters from outside, removes her bag and cold weather gear, agitated. She beings moving around, putting things to rights, increasingly agitated, muttering incoherently. The shower goes off as she reaches a crescendo.
EVETTE
To hell with dualism, anyway! Motherfucker's not thinking anything, anymore.
LILY enters, in jeans and her bra, drying her hair.
EVETTE
Lily, I'm a materialist, I've decided. Rene Descartes can suck my metaphorical cock.
LILY
We've discussed this, Evette. You can't be an materialist.
EVETTE
Who says?
LILY
Your dissertation.
EVETTE
Well, fuck my dissertation, too.
LILY bends over, winds up her hair in her towel.
LILY
Love to. Lotion me?
EVETTE
Sure. Where is it?
LILY
Kitchen counter, by the blender. That's where we were yesterday.
EVETTE
Got it.
EVETTE goes to her, rubs lotion into her back and shoulders as they talk. When she's done, she steps back and LILY frees her hair.
LILY
Can I assume today didn't go well?
EVETTE
Oh, today went just dandy. I spent three hours staring down the Meditations on the floor outside Dr. Reyes' office before he deigned to show his ugly face in which time I succeeded only in concluding that I, personally, am the personification of depression and despair, what with my essence being my thought and my thought having landed me on twenty-four hour suicide watch twice before I was even eligible to drive.
LILY
Evette.
EVETTE
I speak only the truth.
LILY
For the love of God.
EVETTE
You know, that's exactly what Dr. Reyes said. And then he told me to take my histrionic-ridden, drama-whoring ass to the theater department where I clearly belong before he kicked it there for me. So I called him an embittered old shitstain, festering in the knowledge Tom Stoppard has done more for public understanding of existential philosophy than all the words ever written by him or any of his mentors.
LILY
You know, you could just withdraw from the program. You don't have to goad your him into killing you with his bare hands.
EVETTE
Damn. Should've told me that months ago.
LILY
Uh-huh. So did you actually get any work done or have you spent all of today screeching profanity back and forth with your seventy-five-year-old thesis adviser?
EVETTE
The two aren't mutually exclusive, you know. I was up a tree over the whole essentialist thing, again - like, the implications of depression or whatever on what the soul essentially is - and he knocked me out of it.
LILY
You concluded your were a black hole, again.
EVETTE
Didn't I say that?
LILY
Did you write a proof this time?
EVETTE
Was thinking about it when he showed up.
LILY
Jesus fuck, Evette. Can you at least try to restrict your descents into existential despair to the hours I'm able to get to my phone?
EVETTE
Talk to Dr. Reyes. If he'd keep to his fucking office hours -
A lone ring.
LILY
Text message. Here, take this, and can you go grab me a shirt?
EVETTE takes her towel.
EVETTE
Your wish.
She exits, returning with what is obviously one of her own shirts - it's black, too loose for LILY, and probably came from a website catering to nerds. LILY checks her phone, stowed in the pocket of a coat hanging on the back of the door. She is not best pleased.
EVETTE
What?
LILY
What?
EVETTE
What is it?
LILY
What's what?
EVETTE
What's that look?
LILY
I wasn't aware I had a look.
EVETTE
You may be stronger than me but I know your weak spots.
LILY
Try it. No, sorry, Evette. Just this - fucking message.
EVETTE
What? Who's it from?
LILY
Unknown number.
By this time, LILY has the shirt on, and it back to glaring at the phone. EVETTE has picked up a dirty mug from somewhere and is taking it to the sink.
LILY
Think it's Brian.
The mug hits a wall at high velocity. It shatters.
EVETTE
Fuck!
LILY
Uh-huh.
EVETTE goes and begins to clear up the shards.
EVETTE
Stay there. You don't have shoes on.
LILY
You all right?
EVETTE
I'm fine. What does turdfucker have to say for himself?
LILY
It just says 'been thinking of you'. Letter 'u', no 'g' on 'thinking'. So I guess it's 'thinkin'.
EVETTE
Characteristic both of him and of a shamefully high percentage of those conversant in the medium. Why do you think it's him?
LILY
It came from nowhere, it has my hometown's area code, the typing, as you said, is like him, and it's fucking creepy.
EVETTE
Granted.
LILY
I've got a feeling.
EVETTE
Feelings are good. I recommend feelings. I have faith in feelings. Working hypothesis: Turdfucker has somehow skeezed himself into possession of your phone number and is even as we speak working his pathetic skunk-dropping of a brain to exhaustion trying to balance respiration and thinking up new and exciting ways of being a disgusting pain in the ass. What do we do?
LILY
We?
EVETTE
Did I stutter?
LILY
Evette.
EVETTE
Lily.
LILY
You don't -
EVETTE
Lily. At the University, the news that I share quarters with blonde, ballet-dancing, ex-homecoming queen has been greeted, with rare exceptions, by dreadful jokes or implications demeaning your intelligence. I have defended against all of them, even when they were really funny. Please don't disappoint me now.
LILY
Thanks.
EVETTE
Never mention it again. What do we do?
LILY
Now. Now, you get on line and see if this number is registered to anybody. He got a pay-as-you-go, last time, but -
EVETTE
But it's a chance. Toss me your phone.
EVETTE settles in with her laptop. Footsteps on the stairs, past their door, and on up. Above, a door scrapes across the floor as it opens and closes.
EVETTE
Casca's in. Wanna sic her on him?
LILY
Tempting. Let's not bother her yet. Where's your phone?
EVETTE
Secret pocket. You calling your brother?
The secret pocket is sewed into the lining of her hoodie, which she is still wearing. LILY, realizing this, approaches and slides her hand down EVETTE's shirt to retrieve it.
LILY
My mom. Dante's coming by later, anyway.
EVETTE
He is?
LILY
He's bringing pizza.
EVETTE
I'll forgive the lack of warning this once.
LILY has dialed and now has the phone to her ear.
LILY
You're all heart. Hey, Mom. No, Evette. She was being a jerk about something. You know, her mother would believe it readily. Yeah, I'm on her phone, she's using mine for something. That's what I wanted to ask about, actually. I got a weird message, today. It's probably nothing but we were wondering if tur - If Brian
(a cracking noise interrupts EVETTE's typing)
had been sniffing around. You okay, Evette?
EVETTE
Fine. One of the keys got stuck for a second.
LILY
All right. Mom? All right. Anyone know where? Okay, thanks. Keep this to yourself, okay? I don't want to start anything that doesn't need starting. We might be overreacting. We will. It would be stupid to tell you not to worry, wouldn't it? Shut up, Evette!
EVETTE
Didn't say nothin'.
LILY
I will. I promise. We will. Love you, too. Bye.
EVETTE
Well?
LILY
How is it possible my mother likes you better than me?
EVETTE
At least it's a matter of degree with yours. Mine thinks meeting your rainbow-shitting ass is the only worthwhile thing I've ever done.
LILY
Your tone implies it wasn't.
EVETTE
I made a pretty sweet volcano for my third grade science fair. Number's no good, by the way.
LILY
Figures.
EVETTE
What'd your mom say?
LILY
Aside from 'be careful', 'tell Evette to be careful', and 'both of you be careful'?
EVETTE
Sound advice all around. Why do I need to be careful?
LILY
You did kick him in the balls.
EVETTE
No, see? That's the only worthwhile thing I've ever done.
LILY
Apparently he left town six weeks ago. Somebody said he got a job laying carpet in Nashville.
EVETTE
Nashville. Nashville is good. I can work with Nashville. Nashville is far away. Not far enough, but it's a start.
LILY
Assuming he's actually there.
EVETTE
Assuming he's actually there. Which we don't.
LILY
Which we don't.
EVETTE
That's what I figured. What else?
LILY
He got in a fight with my cousin before he left.
EVETTE
Big fight?
LILY
Blood on the lines. They were fishing.
EVETTE
Did your cousin say something bad about his pick-up truck?
LILY
Don't know. Mom didn't say. She would have, if she knew, so it hasn't gotten around.
EVETTE
So an unhinged stalker who recently sustained bodily harm at the hands of someone sharing in your bloodline is wandering loose across the nation. Fantastic. It's like Chanakuh, all the nights at once. Is your restraining order still in effect?
LILY
For another year and a half. Tomorrow I'll - Fuck, no, I can't tomorrow.
EVETTE
What?
LILY
I was going to say, I'll go to the courthouse and see about getting it extended to this state. But I can't.
EVETTE
Of course you can't. Why didn't you do that when you got here?
LILY
I meant to. But I hadn't heard from him in over a year, so -
EVETTE
Hey, it's okay. I was just wondering. You're usually on top of this shit.
LILY
Restraining order shit?
EVETTE
Courthouse shit. Or, errand-running shit, I guess. When was the last time you let your driver's license expire?
LILY
I use my driver's license for something other than alcohol and cigarettes.
(pointedly)
Evette.
EVETTE
I don't do it around you! The apartment is smoke free! Your precious ballet body remains untainted!
LILY
It's not my body I'm concerned about.
EVETTE
Well, it should be. It's your violent stalker who may have resurfaced.
A knock.
LILY
Oh, God!
EVETTE
I'll get it.
LILY
It's just Dante.
EVETTE answers the door. It's DANTE, with pizza. He is of a different race than Lily, obviously so. He rides a motorcycle and does not look like a recent top twenty-five MIT graduate. For starters, he's nineteen.
EVETTE
Dante. Madame, your brother.
DANTE
Hey, Evette. What's wrong?
EVETTE
Descartes.
EVETTE takes the pizza and puts it on the kitchen counter.
DANTE
Well, yes. Lily?
LILY
Hey. What's up?
DANTE
Nothing. Are you okay?
LILY
Fine.
DANTE
Evette?
EVETTE
Turdfucker's back.
DANTE has just picked up a glass. It shatters in his grip; his hand bleeds.
DANTE
Shit!
LILY
Shit, Dante.
DANTE
A little warning? Shit, Lily, I can't kill somebody like this.
EVETTE
Back away, shoeless person. Get the first aid kit. Dante, sit. I'll get the glass. It's my job today.
LILY exits right. EVETTE begins cleaning up the glass. When that's done, she makes for the pizza.
DANTE
You, too?
EVETTE
Had the sense to throw mine.
DANTE
Well. Okay. What'd he do?
EVETTE
Are you cool?
DANTE
Are you?
EVETTE
Point. He texted her.
DANTE
Where the fuck did he get her phone number?
EVETTE
I didn't give it to him, settle the fuck down.
DANTE
Settle?
LILY reenters, begins removing glass, sterilizing, bandaging.
LILY
My number is private, unlisted, secure as it gets outside major corporations and North Korea.
DANTE
Not secure enough. Dammit. I should have killed him when I had the chance.
LILY
Dante. We've discussed this. I like you not in jail.
DANTE
I could have gotten away with it.
EVETTE
And you were, what, fifteen? Keep it to the juvenile court, make a protecting-my-big-sister-look-how-fucking-angelic-I-am defense, flutter your eyelashes a little, you'd have been golden.
DANTE
That's what I said.
EVETTE
Smart boy. Why didn't you kill him?
LILY
Is this really important, right now?
EVETTE
No, just cathardic. Would you prefer I panic? Because I can do panic. I can so do panic.
LILY
That's all right.
EVETTE
Your loss.
DANTE
Where's the message?
LILY
My phone.
EVETTE
Want to see it?
DANTE
Please.
EVETTE retrieves it, hands it over to DANTE, who operates it with his nondominant hand.
DANTE
'Been thinking of you'. With all the care and attention to detail that makes kindergarten teachers the world over swell up with unsurpassed pride in our generation.
LILY
You're as bad as her.
EVETTE
I cussed more.
DANTE
Our motherfucking generation?
EVETTE
Better. But you still look like a damned choir boy.
LILY
I'm sensing a contradiction.
EVETTE
I'm not.
DANTE
Unknown number. You sure this was him?
LILY
Just got it. We're not sure of anything.
DANTE
What have you done?
LILY
Aside from break two cups and Evette's keyboard? Called Mom.
DANTE
Mom is good.
LILY
I think so.
DANTE
What did she say?
LILY
Scuttlebutt says he left town for Nashville six weeks ago.
EVETTE
Do people in whatever godforsaken hellhole you people hail from actually use words like 'scuttlebutt'? Because nobody else does.
LILY
Shut up, Evette.
EVETTE
You wound me.
LILY
Not yet.
DANTE
Don't suppose she knows anything more specific.
LILY
Nope. Just that and that B - Turdfucker got in a fight with Cousin Albie up Big Bell Creek, week before he left.
EVETTE
Big Bell Creek.
DANTE
Only one big enough to fish in. Any idea what it was about?
LILY
Not a one.
EVETTE
I've got one.
LILY
Evette.
EVETTE
Shutting.
(as in, 'shutting up')
She goes back to her laptop.
EVETTE
Googling. What putrid sewer of the gene pool did Turdfucker squealch forth from?
DANTE
What?
LILY
Wainwright. W-A-I-N-W-R-I-G-H-T.
EVETTE
Thank you. Does it's first name debase 'i' or 'y'?
LILY
I.
EVETTE
Thank you. Just one more thing. Did his horse-fucking, inbred, cuntstain trollop of a mother choose to bring secondary shame on any once proud names?
DANTE
You're really enjoying yourself, aren't you?
LILY
That is his middle name. His first name is McDermott.
DANTE
Really?
EVETTE
Really?
LILY
His horse-fucking, cuntstain, trollop of a mother showed me his birth certificate.
EVETTE
You forgot inbred.
LILY
My apologies. You need me to spell that?
EVETTE
Just a second. I'm just visualizing it. Man, it's perfect.
DANTE
Almost perfect.
EVETTE
You're right. It's not on a tombstone.
LILY
Yet. Evette?
EVETTE
Yeah, yeah. All right, hit me. Pronounced 'Turdfucker', spelled how?
As LILY spells it, lights go down.
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