Title: __________________
Series: none
Rating: R
Word Count: 2544
Overall Summary: A ballerina has a stalker. A philosopher, a math prodigy, and a Marine object.
Scene Specific Summary: Turdfucker squealches forth.
Notes: First scene of an as-yet unfinished, untitled play. Rating for extensive profanity.



Act I

Scene 1


We open in the apartment. It has a central living area/kitchen, with an island counter back and to the left. The living area has a couch, a coffee table, and a large chair. The main door and entry point is at the back, next to the kitchen. At right is a small hall leading to the rest of the apartment. Two women live here: EVETTE, a grad student of the kind whose intelligence was praised at family reunions after everyone was done telling her cousin how pretty she was; and LILY, who will begin being taken seriously as a ballerina as soon as everyone gets done telling her how pretty she is. Both are reasonably tidy but they've been living here and known each other long enough to have begun developing and cross-breeding clutter. It's early evening, a Thursday in late autumn in New York, Park Slope or thereabouts. Offstage, a shower is running. EVETTE enters from outside, removes her bag and cold weather gear, agitated. She beings moving around, putting things to rights, increasingly agitated, muttering incoherently. The shower goes off as she reaches a crescendo.

EVETTE

To hell with dualism, anyway! Motherfucker's not thinking anything, anymore.

LILY enters, in jeans and her bra, drying her hair.

EVETTE

Lily, I'm a materialist, I've decided. Rene Descartes can suck my metaphorical cock.

LILY

We've discussed this, Evette. You can't be an materialist.

EVETTE

Who says?

LILY

Your dissertation.

EVETTE

Well, fuck my dissertation, too.

LILY bends over, winds up her hair in her towel.

LILY

Love to. Lotion me?

EVETTE

Sure. Where is it?

LILY

Kitchen counter, by the blender. That's where we were yesterday.

EVETTE

Got it.

EVETTE goes to her, rubs lotion into her back and shoulders as they talk. When she's done, she steps back and LILY frees her hair.

LILY

Can I assume today didn't go well?

EVETTE

Oh, today went just dandy. I spent three hours staring down the Meditations on the floor outside Dr. Reyes' office before he deigned to show his ugly face in which time I succeeded only in concluding that I, personally, am the personification of depression and despair, what with my essence being my thought and my thought having landed me on twenty-four hour suicide watch twice before I was even eligible to drive.

LILY

Evette.

EVETTE

I speak only the truth.

LILY

For the love of God.

EVETTE

You know, that's exactly what Dr. Reyes said. And then he told me to take my histrionic-ridden, drama-whoring ass to the theater department where I clearly belong before he kicked it there for me. So I called him an embittered old shitstain, festering in the knowledge Tom Stoppard has done more for public understanding of existential philosophy than all the words ever written by him or any of his mentors.

LILY

You know, you could just withdraw from the program. You don't have to goad your him into killing you with his bare hands.

EVETTE

Damn. Should've told me that months ago.

LILY

Uh-huh. So did you actually get any work done or have you spent all of today screeching profanity back and forth with your seventy-five-year-old thesis adviser?

EVETTE

The two aren't mutually exclusive, you know. I was up a tree over the whole essentialist thing, again - like, the implications of depression or whatever on what the soul essentially is - and he knocked me out of it.

LILY

You concluded your were a black hole, again.

EVETTE

Didn't I say that?

LILY

Did you write a proof this time?

EVETTE

Was thinking about it when he showed up.

LILY

Jesus fuck, Evette. Can you at least try to restrict your descents into existential despair to the hours I'm able to get to my phone?

EVETTE

Talk to Dr. Reyes. If he'd keep to his fucking office hours -

A lone ring.

LILY

Text message. Here, take this, and can you go grab me a shirt?

EVETTE takes her towel.

EVETTE

Your wish.

She exits, returning with what is obviously one of her own shirts - it's black, too loose for LILY, and probably came from a website catering to nerds. LILY checks her phone, stowed in the pocket of a coat hanging on the back of the door. She is not best pleased.

EVETTE

What?

LILY

What?

EVETTE

What is it?

LILY

What's what?

EVETTE

What's that look?

LILY

I wasn't aware I had a look.

EVETTE

You may be stronger than me but I know your weak spots.

LILY

Try it. No, sorry, Evette. Just this - fucking message.

EVETTE

What? Who's it from?

LILY

Unknown number.

By this time, LILY has the shirt on, and it back to glaring at the phone. EVETTE has picked up a dirty mug from somewhere and is taking it to the sink.

LILY

Think it's Brian.

The mug hits a wall at high velocity. It shatters.

EVETTE

Fuck!

LILY

Uh-huh.

EVETTE goes and begins to clear up the shards.

EVETTE

Stay there. You don't have shoes on.

LILY

You all right?

EVETTE

I'm fine. What does turdfucker have to say for himself?

LILY

It just says 'been thinking of you'. Letter 'u', no 'g' on 'thinking'. So I guess it's 'thinkin'.

EVETTE

Characteristic both of him and of a shamefully high percentage of those conversant in the medium. Why do you think it's him?

LILY

It came from nowhere, it has my hometown's area code, the typing, as you said, is like him, and it's fucking creepy.

EVETTE

Granted.

LILY

I've got a feeling.

EVETTE

Feelings are good. I recommend feelings. I have faith in feelings. Working hypothesis: Turdfucker has somehow skeezed himself into possession of your phone number and is even as we speak working his pathetic skunk-dropping of a brain to exhaustion trying to balance respiration and thinking up new and exciting ways of being a disgusting pain in the ass. What do we do?

LILY

We?

EVETTE

Did I stutter?

LILY

Evette.

EVETTE

Lily.

LILY

You don't -

EVETTE

Lily. At the University, the news that I share quarters with blonde, ballet-dancing, ex-homecoming queen has been greeted, with rare exceptions, by dreadful jokes or implications demeaning your intelligence. I have defended against all of them, even when they were really funny. Please don't disappoint me now.

LILY

Thanks.

EVETTE

Never mention it again. What do we do?

LILY

Now. Now, you get on line and see if this number is registered to anybody. He got a pay-as-you-go, last time, but -

EVETTE

But it's a chance. Toss me your phone.

EVETTE settles in with her laptop. Footsteps on the stairs, past their door, and on up. Above, a door scrapes across the floor as it opens and closes.

EVETTE

Casca's in. Wanna sic her on him?

LILY

Tempting. Let's not bother her yet. Where's your phone?

EVETTE

Secret pocket. You calling your brother?

The secret pocket is sewed into the lining of her hoodie, which she is still wearing. LILY, realizing this, approaches and slides her hand down EVETTE's shirt to retrieve it.

LILY

My mom. Dante's coming by later, anyway.

EVETTE

He is?

LILY

He's bringing pizza.

EVETTE

I'll forgive the lack of warning this once.

LILY has dialed and now has the phone to her ear.

LILY

You're all heart. Hey, Mom. No, Evette. She was being a jerk about something. You know, her mother would believe it readily. Yeah, I'm on her phone, she's using mine for something. That's what I wanted to ask about, actually. I got a weird message, today. It's probably nothing but we were wondering if tur - If Brian

(a cracking noise interrupts EVETTE's typing)

had been sniffing around. You okay, Evette?

EVETTE

Fine. One of the keys got stuck for a second.

LILY

All right. Mom? All right. Anyone know where? Okay, thanks. Keep this to yourself, okay? I don't want to start anything that doesn't need starting. We might be overreacting. We will. It would be stupid to tell you not to worry, wouldn't it? Shut up, Evette!

EVETTE

Didn't say nothin'.

LILY

I will. I promise. We will. Love you, too. Bye.

EVETTE

Well?

LILY

How is it possible my mother likes you better than me?

EVETTE

At least it's a matter of degree with yours. Mine thinks meeting your rainbow-shitting ass is the only worthwhile thing I've ever done.

LILY

Your tone implies it wasn't.

EVETTE

I made a pretty sweet volcano for my third grade science fair. Number's no good, by the way.

LILY

Figures.

EVETTE

What'd your mom say?

LILY

Aside from 'be careful', 'tell Evette to be careful', and 'both of you be careful'?

EVETTE

Sound advice all around. Why do I need to be careful?

LILY

You did kick him in the balls.

EVETTE

No, see? That's the only worthwhile thing I've ever done.

LILY

Apparently he left town six weeks ago. Somebody said he got a job laying carpet in Nashville.

EVETTE

Nashville. Nashville is good. I can work with Nashville. Nashville is far away. Not far enough, but it's a start.

LILY

Assuming he's actually there.

EVETTE

Assuming he's actually there. Which we don't.

LILY

Which we don't.

EVETTE

That's what I figured. What else?

LILY

He got in a fight with my cousin before he left.

EVETTE

Big fight?

LILY

Blood on the lines. They were fishing.

EVETTE

Did your cousin say something bad about his pick-up truck?

LILY

Don't know. Mom didn't say. She would have, if she knew, so it hasn't gotten around.

EVETTE

So an unhinged stalker who recently sustained bodily harm at the hands of someone sharing in your bloodline is wandering loose across the nation. Fantastic. It's like Chanakuh, all the nights at once. Is your restraining order still in effect?

LILY

For another year and a half. Tomorrow I'll - Fuck, no, I can't tomorrow.

EVETTE

What?

LILY

I was going to say, I'll go to the courthouse and see about getting it extended to this state. But I can't.

EVETTE

Of course you can't. Why didn't you do that when you got here?

LILY

I meant to. But I hadn't heard from him in over a year, so -

EVETTE

Hey, it's okay. I was just wondering. You're usually on top of this shit.

LILY

Restraining order shit?

EVETTE

Courthouse shit. Or, errand-running shit, I guess. When was the last time you let your driver's license expire?

LILY

I use my driver's license for something other than alcohol and cigarettes.

(pointedly)

Evette.

EVETTE

I don't do it around you! The apartment is smoke free! Your precious ballet body remains untainted!

LILY

It's not my body I'm concerned about.

EVETTE

Well, it should be. It's your violent stalker who may have resurfaced.

A knock.

LILY

Oh, God!

EVETTE

I'll get it.

LILY

It's just Dante.

EVETTE answers the door. It's DANTE, with pizza. He is of a different race than Lily, obviously so. He rides a motorcycle and does not look like a recent top twenty-five MIT graduate. For starters, he's nineteen.

EVETTE

Dante. Madame, your brother.

DANTE

Hey, Evette. What's wrong?

EVETTE

Descartes.

EVETTE takes the pizza and puts it on the kitchen counter.

DANTE

Well, yes. Lily?

LILY

Hey. What's up?

DANTE

Nothing. Are you okay?

LILY

Fine.

DANTE

Evette?

EVETTE

Turdfucker's back.

DANTE has just picked up a glass. It shatters in his grip; his hand bleeds.

DANTE

Shit!

LILY

Shit, Dante.

DANTE

A little warning? Shit, Lily, I can't kill somebody like this.

EVETTE

Back away, shoeless person. Get the first aid kit. Dante, sit. I'll get the glass. It's my job today.

LILY exits right. EVETTE begins cleaning up the glass. When that's done, she makes for the pizza.

DANTE

You, too?

EVETTE

Had the sense to throw mine.

DANTE

Well. Okay. What'd he do?

EVETTE

Are you cool?

DANTE

Are you?

EVETTE

Point. He texted her.

DANTE

Where the fuck did he get her phone number?

EVETTE

I didn't give it to him, settle the fuck down.

DANTE

Settle?

LILY reenters, begins removing glass, sterilizing, bandaging.

LILY

My number is private, unlisted, secure as it gets outside major corporations and North Korea.

DANTE

Not secure enough. Dammit. I should have killed him when I had the chance.

LILY

Dante. We've discussed this. I like you not in jail.

DANTE

I could have gotten away with it.

EVETTE

And you were, what, fifteen? Keep it to the juvenile court, make a protecting-my-big-sister-look-how-fucking-angelic-I-am defense, flutter your eyelashes a little, you'd have been golden.

DANTE

That's what I said.

EVETTE

Smart boy. Why didn't you kill him?

LILY

Is this really important, right now?

EVETTE

No, just cathardic. Would you prefer I panic? Because I can do panic. I can so do panic.

LILY

That's all right.

EVETTE

Your loss.

DANTE

Where's the message?

LILY

My phone.

EVETTE

Want to see it?

DANTE

Please.

EVETTE retrieves it, hands it over to DANTE, who operates it with his nondominant hand.

DANTE

'Been thinking of you'. With all the care and attention to detail that makes kindergarten teachers the world over swell up with unsurpassed pride in our generation.

LILY

You're as bad as her.

EVETTE

I cussed more.

DANTE

Our motherfucking generation?

EVETTE

Better. But you still look like a damned choir boy.

LILY

I'm sensing a contradiction.

EVETTE

I'm not.

DANTE

Unknown number. You sure this was him?

LILY

Just got it. We're not sure of anything.

DANTE

What have you done?

LILY

Aside from break two cups and Evette's keyboard? Called Mom.

DANTE

Mom is good.

LILY

I think so.

DANTE

What did she say?

LILY

Scuttlebutt says he left town for Nashville six weeks ago.

EVETTE

Do people in whatever godforsaken hellhole you people hail from actually use words like 'scuttlebutt'? Because nobody else does.

LILY

Shut up, Evette.

EVETTE

You wound me.

LILY

Not yet.

DANTE

Don't suppose she knows anything more specific.

LILY

Nope. Just that and that B - Turdfucker got in a fight with Cousin Albie up Big Bell Creek, week before he left.

EVETTE

Big Bell Creek.

DANTE

Only one big enough to fish in. Any idea what it was about?

LILY

Not a one.

EVETTE

I've got one.

LILY

Evette.

EVETTE

Shutting.

(as in, 'shutting up')

She goes back to her laptop.

EVETTE

Googling. What putrid sewer of the gene pool did Turdfucker squealch forth from?

DANTE

What?

LILY

Wainwright. W-A-I-N-W-R-I-G-H-T.

EVETTE

Thank you. Does it's first name debase 'i' or 'y'?

LILY

I.

EVETTE

Thank you. Just one more thing. Did his horse-fucking, inbred, cuntstain trollop of a mother choose to bring secondary shame on any once proud names?

DANTE

You're really enjoying yourself, aren't you?

LILY

That is his middle name. His first name is McDermott.

DANTE

Really?

EVETTE

Really?

LILY

His horse-fucking, cuntstain, trollop of a mother showed me his birth certificate.

EVETTE

You forgot inbred.

LILY

My apologies. You need me to spell that?

EVETTE

Just a second. I'm just visualizing it. Man, it's perfect.

DANTE

Almost perfect.

EVETTE

You're right. It's not on a tombstone.

LILY

Yet. Evette?

EVETTE

Yeah, yeah. All right, hit me. Pronounced 'Turdfucker', spelled how?

As LILY spells it, lights go down.
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